Dating Apps 101: What NOT to do

I’m no dating app pro or anything. I’d say my game is average at best. I’ll throw out a witty line here and there and give myself a pat on the shoulder, but most of the time if I am using them, I’m twiddling my thumbs trying to figure out something cool to say.

But with that said,  I do have an inkling of an idea of what NOT to say. Or do.

So, here are my thoughts on what us ladies really don’t like when it comes to guys on dating apps.

Starting the conversation with,”Hey what’s up?”
I can’t say I’ve done this one before, but I have been guilty of pulling the whole, “Hii how was your Monday?”

Lameeeeee.

Be creative. Read the person’s about me if they have one or comment on one of their pics. Personalize that shit. Unless you’re incredibly attractive and have won us ladies over with your irresistible good looks, the whole, “Hey what’s up?” generally does not get a response. Or, it warrants something like, “Not much you?” Real exciting conversation.

When you keep making small talk
DUDE. Are you ever going to ask me out!?? Like, okay, I’m sure you’re a great guy and nice and all, but I’m not tryna be texting buddies with you. So, uh, could you please, um, CUT TO THE CHASE AND TAKE ME ON A DATE ALREADY.

And for the record, small talk sucks. Especially on dating apps.

Pictures of you at the gym or posing without a shirt on in front of the mirror
Ohhhhh yeah baby, that pic of you flexing your bicep is realllllllly turning me on. And MMMM, I could eat my dinner off those washboard abs.

Kidding. Left swipe.

Using icebreakers
“Want to hear a joke about pizza?” “Nevermind it’s too cheesy.”

Yeah. And so was that message you sent me. #BYEFELICIA.

The excessive puppy pics
Okay fine, I’m a huge sucker for cute guys with cute pups. Who isn’t? But with that said, it’s a little much when all of your pics are of you crouching down next to your pup and taking a selfie. We all know what you’re trying to do there.

The group pics
Ahhhhhh, there’s like seven of you in each picture. And your last one, where it’s just three of you, you all look the same. WHICH ONE ARE YOU!?

From experience of watching my friends on dating apps, I’ve discovered that their fingers are pretty darn speedy. They’re real quick to swipe. So, with every picture of you and your group of friends, your likelihood of getting a match is decreasing. Because, well, ain’t nobody got time for that.

When your first pic is of you and that really hot friend
Ooohhhh!!! Guy on left is super hot. Guy on right…meh not so much. You wouldn’t include a pic of you and that way better looking friend….would you?

Ughhhh, you did. Damn. Well, that’s a buzz kill.

When you don’t respond
Okay, seriously bro. Why the hell are you on this app if you’re not going to talk to anyone that messages you? Like are you just trying to boost your ego by getting matches?

Don’t be a tool. Get the apps off your phone if you’re gonna leave us hangin.’

When you ghost us
This one’s the worst. You start chatting with someone, an interesting conversation pans out, and then BAM. They’re gone. Alright, cool, see ya later. That was fun.

When you are deceiving about your height
One guy’s profile once said, “Tall enough for your highest heels.” We ended up going on a date, and I kid you not, I was taller than him in heels. And, my heels were not even close to being my tallest ones. LIAR! Don’t do that guys!

So, what do you guys think? What are the do’s and don’ts of this vicious dating app world we all live in now?  What would make you swipe left or right?

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