I got 99 problems, but admitting them ain’t one

Let me start off with telling you that I am not going to list 99 of my problems. Don’t worry.  That would be cruel to anyone reading this.

But with that said – I find that there is something very beautiful and pure in vulnerability. When people are vulnerable, they show this sense of rawness. They expose themselves, and it makes for more of a personal, human connection. People can relate. And it feels good.

So, I’m gonna expose myself.

I think I have a lot of problems, but here are five things I am working on.

1. ANXIETY
Yep. Hear me loud and clear, I HAVE ANXIETY.

I’ve seen therapists about it, I take meds, I journal, and I am constantly looking for ways to improve – whether it be through meditation, family, friends, podcasts, fitness. You name it.

It used to be really bad, but in the past year it’s gotten a lot better.

In a nutshell, I get in my head a lot and think waaaaaay too much. I try to mind read. I play scenarios over and over again. I over analyze.  I judge myself. I obsess over the past and worry about the future. I fear the unknown. I don’t like change. I want things to be perfect.

I even have physical anxiety – you know that feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night and your chest feels super tight and your stomach is clenched into a ball? Or all of the sudden you are short of breath and you’re crying uncontrollably? Yea that’s an anxiety attack. Reeeeeal fun let me tell ya. Thank god I have not had that in a while.

On a positive note, I’m finally at a point in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin. In the past, I cared too much about what other people thought, and I felt that I always had to prove my self worth. But now, I don’t really seek that external boost and reassurance. I just do me. I know who I am, I know what I want, and I accept myself.

Most importantly, I am able to “just be.” If I am sad, irritable, or anxious, I am exactly just that. I don’t try to act differently or get mad at myself for feeling that way. I’m OK with not being “on” all of the time and if someone does not like me when I am “off” then whatever. I don’t beat myself up trying to figure out why. I peacefully let them go, because why waste time or energy on an individual that does not value me? That person does not belong in my life.

2. I’M EXTREME
Grey areas are hard with me. I’m either on one side of the spectrum or the complete opposite.

-Don’t give me a cookie or GIVE ME THE WHOLE DAMN BOX. And then the cake too.
-Buy me one yummy scented candle and I PURCHASE THE WHOLE COLLECTION.
-Not interested in the guy at all or OH MY GOD I LIKE YOU SO MUCH LET’S DATE.
-Go through a phase of needing me time  and being alone or LET’S GO PARTY. AND DRINK. AND DANCE. AND STAY OUT ALL NIGHT.

I’m working on accepting the greys in life. Because that’s what it’s all about right? Balance.

3. I LIKE CONTROL
I think that has to do with being extreme. I have a vision of myself and how I want things to be, and when it’s not like that I get all uncomfortable and weird inside.

With friends, for instance, when I am close with someone I want to ALWAYS be close. It freaks me out that maybe sometime we will drift, and it is out of my control.

Or with dating. I used to be so nervous to go on dates, because running out of things to talk about and having “the awkward silence” was like my worst nightmare. It was out of my control.

4. Food
The struggle is real dude. Again, me being extreme, the grey areas with food are very difficult for me. Unfortunately – though I am working on this and think I have gotten better – I have a relatively toxic relationship with food. Often times I feel guilty about eating one unhealthy thing. I chuck it up as a loss and then I binge. “Oh – I already had a couple slices of deep dish pizza so I might as well just go all out” (Proceeds to eat way too many cookies, gets froyo with a million mix ins, and continues the hunt for more food)

5. Sensitivity
I’m too sensitive. I take everything personally and end up thinking, “What’s wrong with me?” “What did I do?”

I am reading a great book though called The Four Agreements, and one agreement is to not take things personally. By taking things personally, you are assuming that everything is about you. People have their own shit going on and what someone says or does may have nothing to do with you.

I am really working on this one. The reality of the matter is, you will never know what someone is thinking or why something happened. Unless of course they tell you.

Alright those are five of many things I am working on. What I have realized though is that the first step it to simply be aware. That’s one of the hardest things, but once you can acknowledge that there is a “problem,” you are already on your way to getting better. Life is all about figuring out who you are and how you can improve. If we were perfect – then what would be the point?

What are some of your things?

PS: When it comes to “problems” or hardship – I find that writing is very therapeutic. Give it a try. You might be pleasantly surprised 🙂

Till next blog!

❤ Panda

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