6 Brutally Bothersome Things [The Vent Blog]

In no particular order, these things suck. Do you feel my pain?

1) The squishy mouth noise
You know that noise when someone is eating and you hear the swish of the food in their mouth? Ya, you know what I mean. Fingers on the chalkboard status. AmIRight?

I’m not gonna lie, I am guilty of the swishy mouth noise. I was recently at work eating a banana, and I could feel the hot energy that came from the look of disgust on my coworker’s face. We have a very open, hard love relationship, so she told me I needed to stop with the swish. Immediately. I conceded, knowing that being a victim of such noise is torture.

2) You mistake the clear liquid
You went out hard last night, and you wake up with cotton mouth. After dreaming about water all night long (because when you booze, water is the new sex dream) all you can think about is quenching your thirst. You grab the first clear liquid that you see….

Shower scene from Psycho status.

3) When someone ate your leftovers
You’re super hungry, but you don’t know what you want to eat. WAIT! You have those awesome leftovers from last night. Yessss, that’ll hit the spot.

You excitedly open the refrigerator with a slight water to your mouth. Your eyes hungrily search for your food. Not on the top. Or the middle. Or the bottom. Where the f is it?

After searching high and low, you surrender to the tragedy that someone ate it. It’s gone. Gone girl, gone.

4) Getting stuck by someone super slow in the salad line
I love my Whole Foods’ salads, but man oh man can the process be excruciatingly painful. Guys, can you please chop chop with the 2 onions, 6 cucumbers, 7 tomatoes, and 11 pieces of romaine?

We need to invent a salad line buzzer before my hangryness gets all avocado on you.

5) When there’s no toilet paper in the stall
For some reason, I still have not learned my lesson. I never check before going to the bathroom. But that feeling when your hand lazily grasps the toilet paper dispenser only to realize it’s empty? Nottt a good one.

6) The hand in the elevator person
The elevator has taken forever to open, but when it finally does you’re relieved to be the only one walking inside. Straight to your floor. Express status brah.

Until…

Someone sprints to the closing doors and does a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible somersault into the elevator. Kidding. They really just slip their hand in between the doors and walk inside. Then they do the norm and take out their phone and pretend to text or read the news. Ugh.

What other things can you add to the list?

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